Before I found this corner of the net I was a frequent poster on several divorce forums. First as the one needing help then over time becoming the one dishing out painful, and rarely followed, advice.
Over that time I heard at least a thousand stories of men being cheated on by their wives. Each was heartbreaking in its own way but I can only recall the details of a select few. One in particular comes to mind every time I hear a man talk about finding a ‘traditional’ girl or a virgin bride.
I am paraphrasing this story from memory, I wish I had saved the original thread but it is long gone now. For those of you who have followed my Twitter feed for a while you have seen me post 140 character bits of this heartbreaking story.
A young man, about 23 years old, popped up on the infidelity forum with devastating words (my comments are in BOLD):
Name is Jake. I am 23 and just found out that my new wife of two months has been unfaithful. We were both virgins when we got married (or so I thought). We both come from very conservative, religious families in the South. Neither of us has ever lived away from home. We have been dating for a couple of years but rarely spent time alone, barely making to second base prior to the wedding.
It was a beautiful, big wedding. I thought I had won the lottery. I had a beautiful young virgin (think farmer’s daughter type) to spend the rest of my life with. She was a good girl. We had plans for a big family in a big home in the country. The wedding and honeymoon were incredible.
-It is typical for a man to have an idealistic view of the future, women do not typically plan in this same logical way.
The last two months we’ve been settling into our new starter home. Things seemed a little tense but I just chalked it up to us getting used to living together and workout out our routines and habits, getting adjusted to being together every day.
-Most guys who are cheated on can later look back and pinpoint the exact moment they knew something was up, but they are often in denial for quite some time.
Then last night she sits me down and says, “there’s something I need to tell you.” My first thought was happiness, perhaps she was pregnant! She seemed a little too down though, so then my thoughts went to health, maybe something was wrong.
It seemed like an eternity before she finally started to speak.
“I am so scared to tell you because I don’t want ruin what we have,” she said to me.
-Once you hear this line it is not going to be good, buckle in.
“What is it?!” I exclaimed a bit more urgently.
“Um, I feel terrible, I am terrible. I, uh, wasn’t honest with you. I wasn’t a virgin when we got married,” as she started to sob, “I feel so guilty, I had to tell you.”
-Notice how she makes it about herself even as she is delivering gut wrenching news to him?
Ok, I thought, that’s not so bad, so maybe she slept with the boyfriend she had in high school, not the end of the world. I had suspected they had done a few things but it didn’t bother me too much as I had been to third base a few times myself.
-They’ve always done more than you think, always.
“Ok, calm down, was it Dan from high school?” I quizzed.
“Oh, you are going to hate me, I am scum,” as she cried some more.
-Classic line children use to soften the blow from their parents.
Now I was getting more concerned and a bit angry.
Then she dropped the bombshell that changed my life, “I was a virgin until two weeks before the wedding.”
I sat motionless, in complete shock. I had wanted to have sex for the past year but she kept insisting that we wait for marriage, that she was an honest, traditional girl. She wanted it to be special.
-I don’t doubt she meant this, but biology takes over at a certain point.
“What happened?” I muttered apprehensively, knowing I really didn’t want to know and what I was about to hear would haunt me for a very long time.
-A man must really assess whether he wants to know the details. I usually advise against it because it does nothing but make your imagination run wild.
She started, “Two weeks ago I snuck out of my bedroom in the middle of the night to meet Mike (the local jock, quarterback of the football team type Alpha) for a walk. I knew it was wrong and I knew it could lead to trouble, but I promised myself it was just a walk. I was having second thoughts about getting married and spending the rest of my life with just one person.” I would call this the fear of missing out, only realized at a much younger age than usual.”
-She had made the decision to sleep with Mike before she ever left the house, so long has he didn’t give her a reason to say no it was as good as done. It was likely during her “cheating window“.
“He picked me up down the street in his truck and we parked near the bridge. We started to talk about my second thoughts and life in general. Next thing I knew we were making out. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex in his truck.”
-Keep in mind it is rare for a woman to be this devastatingly honest when confessing to an indiscretion. There is likely more to the story, but this type of honesty only comes from a girl who truly fears God. Expect trickle truth more often than not.
“I knew I should have stopped so many times but I was afraid I would always wondered what it was like to be with another man, I felt it was necessary for me to do before I got married, I had to know what it as like.”
-Here comes the real hamstering. The narcissism necessary to say this kind of thing with a straight face is reserved the coldest of souls.
I sat in silence as the next 50 years of my life were changed forever, all of my plans and dreams were now over. I knew right then that I would never be able to trust someone who could do such a thing and carry such an awful lie through one of the happiest days of her life. It was like a different person from the woman I had married just two months earlier.
-Every man who is divorced or cheated on by a woman will report that she seems to turn into some sort of alien. Common.
Now this guy stuck around the forums for a few more months as he struggled with whether or not he should stick around and try to make his marriage work. He ultimately found out that she was still sneaking around with Mike and so he ended it.
I bring this story up because so many guys think the answer to their problems with women is to marry up the sweet, traditional virgin. Let this be a story of caution that even these girls are susceptible to the pressures of hypergamy and the YOLO culture. AWALT.
By all accounts this young man did just about everything right and still got burned in the worst way imaginable.
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